So here is the long awaited chapter!
I will keep it short.
Enjoy!
Chapter 17: Look At Me
I hastily walked out of court.
Murat ran after me, trying to catch up with me "So shall we go to my place?!"
"*Evet ve hayir.*" I said as opened the taxi door then turned around to face him.
"Hayir for which part then?!"
"Evet, you are going. Hayir, I am not. Go to your family, Murat. I have something I have to do." I replied firmly.
Then I got into he taxi's backseat and slammed the door shut behind me without another word.
I turned down Meryem dinning out offer and Murat family hang out.
I had more important things to do.
I have a lawyer to take down.
*
We stood there staring into one another's eyes.
I flared my nose as my mouth curled in disgust at him.
Every cell in my body held resentment towards him.
My natural self is never angry or hateful, but this was an exception. He is an exception.
My lips parted as I heavily exhaled, a failed attempt at blowing off some of the steam burning within me.
He towered over me.
Çok şükür* I had my peach heels on, giving me more height.
Yet he was still taller.
He was gazing softly back at me, which made me even more frustrated.
If it wasn't him I would say he was admiring me.
"So now you are making eye contact." I said mockingly.
Nikola crocked his head to the side and leaned slightly in whispering "I never knew it would bother you this much. My bad."
His warm breath caressed my already burning cheek.
My cheeks were now tinged red due to all the blood rushing within me.
I stared at him sideways, my pulse picking up it pace. I put a hand out at him, pulling myself back.
"It doesn't matter and this is not why I am here." I said in an urgent tone.
He bit down on his lip. Then looked up, nodding his head and smiling to himself.
He stepped one foot back, turning his back to me, to place his briefcase on his desk.
"Then why are you here?!" He asked turning to me again.
He sat on his desk gripping the edge of his desk. He crossed one leg over the other.
As I opened my mouth to reply, he put a finger out smiling "Bi dakka.*"
Nikola outstretched his hand reaching for the phone across his desk.
With each passing second, every flicker of a movement that he did drove me crazier.
"What do you want to drink?!"
"Yok*, thank you I am good." I replied crossing my arm in irritation.
"Yuh ama çok ayıp.* Turkish kahve* isn't it." He said winking.
As he gave his secretary the order, I said "Tell her to take her time with it. Just as if she would for a groom at her family's house."
He gave me a dimpled grin as he told her to take her time.
He finally hanged up and clapped to himself. "Why are you here?! Don't get me wrong, I am honored." He said placing a hand on his chest.
I stayed silent.
"Tebrikler* on the case by the way. Nice work."
"Allahum*" I whispered to myself, sighing then moving my hand to rub my neck. I was frustrated and my patience, well what was left of it was running out.
I took a long deep breath before I started.
"WHO ARE YOU?! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!" I roared at him.
I walked towards his desk pointing a finger at him.
"WHO ARE YOU TO HELP ME WIN MY OWN, MY OWN CASE?! WHO ASKED YOU TO DO THAT?! I CAN WIN MY OWN CASE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH."
"Huh, how funny! 'I' he placed a hand on his chest 'I?! I help you win a case against me!!!"
He got off his desk. Then walked over to his window, away from me.
He was avoiding making eye contact with me, again.
"DO YOU THINK I AM AN IDIOT?!"
"No, but delusional, yes." He said turning half way to look at me.
That's it.
He had his back to me when I reached out to his briefcase opening it and pulling out a file.
I threw that one at his feet, startling him.
"What are you doing?!" He asked.
"Not this one."
I pulled the second and threw it at his chest.
"ARE YOY CRAZY *KADIN?!"
"Not this one either."
He moved towards me wanting to stop me.
I pulled out the last one.
"This' I held it up moving it 'this was the last file you slid inside your briefcase in court wasn't it?!"
I didn't wait for a reply as I threw the black file straight into his face.
But he pulled his arm just in time to shield his face.
He peaked above his arm, making sure I was unarmed before exposing his face.
"What are you talking about?!" He asked my
"You delivered me that document this morning. That file' I pointed at the one on the floor 'and the file I had are exactly the same."
He smiled then said "You know this is what I like about you! Not are you only beautiful, but you also have a sharp wit."
What?!
"NE*?!"
"Why help me?! Why make sure that I know that it was you?! Nikola does nothing for free for others." I questioned him.
"Bak*, I" he slid his hands into his pockets looking down.
"I....I"
He looked up at me and took a step towards me.
"What are you trying to say?!"
He rubbed his forehead trying to gather his thoughts.
He was struggling with what to say.
"Yani ben, tamam* I helped you, I...."
He swallowed as he went on to add "Your college...... That time.....I........"
I looked at him slightly shocked that he remembered that.
"I didn't realize it... Then....Ah....L....."
I let out a laugh, which was sounded foreign to my own ears. I think it is what you would call a hysterical laugh, because he was looking at me slightly petrified.
"You think...." I said between laughs
I started laughing again.
"Janu..." He said softly, worried.
"You believe that...... What am I a child to resent you for that?!"
His face slightly fell at my choice of words.
I finally stopped laughing as I said "I moved past that incident. I gave you the right after a while. You were right, I was late."
I crossed my arms and looked away fighting back the burning tears filling my eyes up.
I took a deep breath as I took the guest chair in his office. I was exhausted, I felt that I couldn't carry my own weight. "Do you know? I liked you a lot. Too much. I looked up to you, at everything you did. And after that conference I liked you even more. I liked you to the limit that I wanted to be just like you in life, in every aspect of it."
I held my hand up motioning a high bar "I had you on a very high bar, at a pedestal. You were the hero that I wanted to turn into."
He looked down at his shoes then looked up at me asking. "What have changed then?!"
"You don't remember, do you?!" I asked in a low voice.
*
6 years ago.
"Ama* Eve...." I said grunting back at her.
She dragged me down the cold street.
It was around the middle of January. It was a freezing cloudy day.
"Bak. You are looking for a job. And he is looking for a secretary. What am I to do?! I can't have my maid of honour pissed at my future husband."
Yeah, she still had a crush on that Nikola Gjoka.
"Here we are!" She exclaimed as his office came into sight.
"I swear if it wasn't for my sick Dede I won't even be here. He better pay me well." I told her.
"Yeah he will. Hadi* hadi." She said pushing me forward.
We entered the building then she ran off to ask the front desk where his office was.
I looked around the busy building, it was huge and beautiful. Those kind of buildings with an atrium, but sadly today was cloudy so they had the lights on. decorating the place were fresh flowers. The place had a fresh scent and leather.
I want to work here.
I want to have my own office in here.
May be even work with.N..…...
"Bu ne*?! What an annoying lady?!' Eve interrupted my thoughts, as she gave the lady she asked a dirty look.
"Eve"
"Tamam Nikola Gjoka, criminal lawyer, 3rd floor" she said imitating that lady.
I walked towards the elevator then heard her cheer behind me "Make me proud, kizim*."
I took the elevator with 4 other businessmen.
I straightened myself in the mirror.
You can do this Janu for your sick grandpa.
My grandpa is sick, and we weren't doing financially so well.
I had to take time off college to be able to work full-time. My father was fired a month ago, due to failed business. He is a goldsmith, so he was often between jobs.
The elevator door finally opened and I walked out into a busy corridor.
I inquired at the front desk about the place to submit my CV in. They pointed me to the end of the corridor, to a small office of someone called Luka Bey.
I stood behind 10-15 girls in line, all wanting to submit their CVs, which explains why the lady downstairs was annoyed by our presence.
As I held my file up, my phone rang.
*Tabiki it was Eve!
I looked around to find a quitter place to answer her. I walked away from the girls in line then took a left into a small corridor.
"Eve, kizim there are 15 girls in here wanting to apply for this job." I said nervously in a low voice.
"The snobs taking every chance possible. Tell them to stay away from my husband."
"Hadi kapat* he is here."
I took a few steps forward, he was standing just around the corner. He was inches away from I.
I smiled down at my CV. I was praying that he will remember the girl in that coffee break, not the late girl to his speech.
"Bu ne?! All of those coming in are total idiots. I have to sit through 2 hours of interviews and I get not a single candidate back. I keep asking about basics on criminal law and they kept smiling at me without a sensible answer. Why apply for a job if you don't have a degree?! You think I will take you because you have a good smile."
He took the corner, brushing against me as he added "Also those pathetic ones, using their misfortunes in life to get a job. Work harder then come to me. Do I look like I have a foundation that help others?! I am sick of people who won't help themselves and beg others for help. Did I have it easy?! No."
"Valla bak*, Luka. I don't have time for any of this. Anyone without a college degree is out of the equation. Tamam." He ordered as he walked away from me.
He disappeared out of sight as I kept blinking behind the arrogant man.
I looked down at my CV crumbling it between my hand.
*
"Do you remember that?!" I asked.
He opened his mouth to answer but I pulled a hand up shushing him "Today I will talk and you will listen."
He fell into complete silence as he nodded, closing his eyes softly.
It felt weird seeing him that way, silent without a choice really.
"After a few weeks from that incident...…...." I said smiling.
*
February 5th.
I sat across Yigit Bey*, he was a Doctor at my university. I was going to him as a last resort for a job. I wanted a job that would teach me more about law during all the time I will be away from it.
He sighed as he said "Kizim. I am sorry but my office is already overflowing with workers....."
I opened my mouth to interrupt him but he went on "I cant even pay you much, but I have a friend coming by. He is in need for a secretary and I know he will pay you will and you will learn a lot from him."
He knew the whole situation. I went straight to him when I was unsure of what to do.
"Tamam. If you think that way." I replied back smiling.
He left me sitting in his office as he went off to get some work done.
After some time he came back "Hadi kizim gel*. He is about to come."
I smiled as I stood straightening myself.
I hope he will like me.
I stood behind Yigit Bey in front of the elevator. He turned around smiling and nodding to me.
You are my hero Yigit Bey and so is this friend of yours.
The elevator door opened.
My eyes widened and my mouth fell at the horror of what came into my sight.
It was Nikola!
The smile on my face fell.
He stepped out the elevator with his assistant.
I took a fast step back and away.
He went on to shake Yigit Bey hand.
After inquiring after one another Yigit Bey said "Nikola bak I know you are"
Please no no no no. NO
"In search of a secretary. I think I found you the one."
Çok şükür.
I managed to sneak away, to hide behind a bookshelf.
"Really?!' He said with a little nod 'please spare me the dreadful endless interviews. I have been suffering, girls keep mistaking my job offer for marriage apparently."
Yigit Bey let out a loud laugh.
"Save Luka and Me please. So where is she?!"
"She was just here.' Yigit Bey said looking around for me 'She will be back I am sure."
"What is her degree?!"
"Well...."
"Yigit Bey, I took you seriously for a second."
"Well I....."
"Let's just discuss work and leave my employees' arrangements out of this." Nikola said firmly shutting Yigit bey down.
Yigit bey nodded as he led him to his office.
I froze there, watching them disappear into that office.
*
I looked at Nikola now.
"Ama it was a job offer.' He said smiling and shrugging. 'It is called an offer due to the fact that you might get it or not. Also you can't be mad at me. I do have the right to ask for a degree of the employee I will work with."
"Are you done?!" I simply asked him back.
"Evet ama why are you...…….."
A knock on the door interrupted our conversation.
It was his secretary with the coffee. She came in then gently placed the coffee on the coffee table in front of me.
She looked between Nikola and I before finally closing the door behind her.
"She is good in making Turk Kahve." I said as I stood up then picking the fresh cup of coffee up.
He nodded back.
"Now tell me what did I do wrong next?!" He asked back smirking at me.
"Sabret.*" I replied as I walked towards him.
I brought the cup up to my lips.
He was watching me.
I smiled against the cup as I raised an eyebrow at him.
"THIS" I shouted as I threw my hot cup of coffee at his face.
He turned his face just in time to the side, yet the hot coffee still caught the side of his face and neck.
"ARE YOU CRAZY?!" He yelled at me, wiping his face then taking a step towards me.
"WELL I TOLD YOU NOT TO TALK. TODAY YOU WILL ONLY LISTEN." I shouted back at him.
"Tamam. Go on." He said in agony.
"On the same day...…………"
*
I stood looking at my reflection, in the bathroom. Another lady stood next to me busily applying some lipstick.
Stay calm.
I took a deep breath in and out.
I washed my face, dried it, then untied my hair before heading out. My head was throbbing and that hair bun caused more tension on my head.
I was walking back when someone called me "Kizim."
I turned around to the caller it was the old lady who made tea and coffee around the office.
"Efendim.*" I replied.
"Hold this." She said pushing a tray towards me.
I held it, I didn't much of a choice really.
I stood there waiting for her as she went to Yigit Bey office to collect the empty cups.
"Teyze…" I tried calling after her as she walked by and back into her kitchen.
I stood there for a good 5 minutes. She still moving all around the office, ignoring my calls.
That's it I am leaving this place.
I took a step back turning around, hitting someone behind me. I tripped over their feet, spilling that cup of tea all over myself and that person. I came crashing down as that person withdrew his hands away from me.
"AHHHHH." I moaned as I pulled my black soaked blouse away from my chest. I was on the floor on my knees bending forward tugging on that blouse. I couldn't see the person for a second, my hair shielded my face.
"AHHHHH. *DIKKATLI. BU NE?!! ARE YOU BLIND OR WHAT?!" Someone shouted at me.
I looked over my shoulder in between the hair strands at the shouting man it was Nikola.
He was cleaning his tea stained sleeve that was the only part that the tea fell upon.
"Nikola?!" His assistant called followed by Yigit by.
I pushed my hair off my face as I went on all four collecting the broken cup from the floor.
"Kizim' Yigit Bey called 'Oh I see you met the very girl I was talking about."
I kept myself busy collecting the pieces of glass.
"THIS IDIOT?!!!!' He shouted pointing a finger in my direction. 'She can't hold a tray straight and you want me to hand her my work."
"Nikola...…….." Yigit started.
"NE?! WHAT WAS IT YOU JUST TOLD ME?!!!! HER GRANDPA WAS INCURABLY SICK?!' He turned around to me adding 'LIAAAAAAR! All you see in Nikola Gjoka is a future potential groom for yourself. The man that can improve your family financial conditions...."
I stopped at the last piece of broken glass as his words punched into my. My head was buzzing, as it tried to process his words and everything around me.
"Niko...." begged his assistant.
"WHAT?!'
He squatted down, brining his face closer to mine. I looked up at him, while he stared into my eyes.
I felt exposed, naked in that moment, as his looked through me in disgust. His eyes were dark, distant, and emotionless.
I swear a dead person would have had more life in their eyes compared to his.
Where was that lawyer in that magazine that I fell for?! The beautiful smiling man at the conference?! He had beautiful bright eyes, where are they now?!
"I hate pathetic creatures' he looked down at me disgusted 'not even human. You are weak, too weak. You are a pathetic bug using others to get what you want in life. I am sick of you and those like you. I don't know what shall society do with those like you, but they should do something."
He wasn't shouting but his tone cut through me. His words nailed down into my bones, as his eyes daggered my heart.
He broke me.
I looked away from his piercing eyes, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing his creation.
I didn't want him to see me cry.
"No, no, look back at me. Look at how weak and pathetic you are. I wasn't wrong you are a worthless filthy little thing."
I looked back at him, swallowing back my tears.
"NIKOLA...." Yigit Bey tried to stop him.
"SHUT UP. SHE HAVE A TOUNGE THAT SHE CAN USE TO DEFEND HERSLEF. You said that she studied law, but all I am looking at is a fake girl. A girl who had a far easy life. IF YOU ARE A LAWYER THEN SAY SOMETHING. Huh." He looked up.
My lips trembled as my eyes overflew with tears.
It was too late.
"Look this is what worthless beings like you do, cry. Cry for attention and for others to feel sorry for the. Guess what?! Wrong person to use that tactic on. Those like you deserve to be squished, just like the bug that they are."He looked up an down in disgust as he added "I am disgusted by those like you. And I utterly hate those like you. I will never have such an idiot as an employer, let alone have her in my life."
He stood back away and walked to the elevator.
He waited for the elevator, his back to me.
"Are you okay?!" his assistant asked hurrying to my side. He was reaching for my hand for some reason.
I looked down, they were bleeding, I didn't even realize that. I opened my palm, dropping the last piece of glass I was collecting.
"BIRAK* THIS IDIOT LUKA. LOOK AT WHAT STATE I AM IN BECAUSE OF HER?! HOW AM I TO GO TO COURT NOW." He ordered his assistant.
"Don't worry. Those like her find someone, they always do...………."
*
"DO YOU REMEBER THAT?!" I shouted at the Nikola in front of me now.
He looked forward. He was standing with left side to me, the same side that I dumped the coffee on.
"IS IT BURNING YOU?! LET IT BURN AND HURT YOU. The way you burned me that day, in every way that you could. I have never in my whole life been insulted in that way. YOU KNOW WHAT? I NEVER WANT TO TURN OUT TO BE LIKE YOU. A AN ARROGANT JERK WHO HAVE NO RESPECT FOR OTHERS OR THEIR FEELINGS. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BELITTLE OTHERS AND THEIR SUFFERINGS IN LIFE. YOU BROKE ME, MY PRIDE, MY EGO, ALL OFF ME."
I fought back the tears as I said in a low voice "I wasn't even 20 then, I was in love with you. Well, not you, but the image of you that I made you into in my silly head."
I gulped hard as I went on to say "YOU ARE A CRUEL MAN. I NEVER EVER WANT TO TURN OUT TO BE LIKE YOU. NIKOLA GIJOKA, YOU ARE HEARTLESS MONSTER. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU, BECAUSE A MONSTER LIKE YOU DOESN'T DESERVE LOVE OR KINDNESS.
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ALONE IN LIFE. YOU WILL LIVE A FULL LONELY LIFE AND YOU WILL DIE ALONE...………"
"YETER. Tamam I am a monster, I am a filthy worthless piece of shit. I DONT DESERVE YOU OR SOMEONE LIKE YOU. OLDU MU?! ALLAH KAHRETSIN. MAY I BURN IN LIFE AND IN HELL FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE TO YOU. MAY ALLAH NEVER GRANT ME HAPPINESS."
"Hayir I hope you will taste that.' I said licking my dry lips 'being that helpless not knowing what to do for your loved ones. Then someone shows up and rips you apart, when all you are trying to do in life is stand on your feet."
"Ameen. If that will make you happier." He said in a shaky voice.
"Evet it will. Bak, look closely at your creation, at me. You made me hunt you down for years to take my revenge. But I have to thank you for making me this strong. Now suffer the way you made me suffer for months."
"Welcome." He said in a barely audible voice, smiling.
His eyes glossed up, and he turned his face away from me, walking away from me.
It was an attempt of making me not see him cry.
"NO. LOOK AT ME." I demanded as he reached the door.
Nikola stopped and rotated around facing me fully, following my order.
"You asked me to do that, remember." I said harshly.
He nodded back.
"Who is the pathetic one now?! You like a total idiot helping me win that case too.' I let out a forced laugh 'I win the case and this. Whatever it was."
His hand reached for the doorknob behind him.
Nikola pushed the door open as he looked at me one last time, whispering "Janu you win. You win, Janu."
A tear made it's way down his face before he turned his back on me, heading down the corridor.
I kept watching him as he walked out his office.
I took a step back and looked at the room around me.
I am the winner, right?!
Why does this victory taste bitter to me, then?!
Why am I miserable?!
And much like that room, I was a mess.
------------------------------------
TURKISH WORDS
Evet* -yes
hayir* -no
Çok şükür* -thank God
Bi dakka* -one minute
Yok* -never
çok ayıp* -very shameful
Turkish kahve* -turkish coffee
Tebrikler* -congratulations
Allahum* -OH God
KADIN* -woman
NE* -what
Bak* -look
Yani ben* -so you
tamam* -okay
AMA* -but
Hadi* -come on
Bu ne* -what is this
kizim* -daughter
Tabiki* -sure
kapat* -hang up
Valla bak* -look at me
yigit Bey* -MR Yigit
gel* - come
sabret* -have patience
Efendim* -excuse me
DIKKATLI* -careful
Birak* -leave
The end!
Regardless of how you feel today about my characters, hold your horses. They are written to be human not perfect. And never be quick to judge any of them, who you love today you dislike tomorrow and the other way around.
Every action have some motive and reason behind it.
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